Mixed emotions

It’s Friday evening, just gone past 7pm and I got home after a day spent at an industry awards event. We enter these awards every year and I still feel a buzz and excitement as the names of the winners are announced. Having entered various awards throughout this year and not won any, I really hoped we would win one of two nominations and we did!

Normality kicked back in this morning…. a bit of work, changing into a black dress, make-up and Mayfair-bound by mid-day. As I got on the train I remembered the last two years at these specific awards and how much fun I had. I felt apprehensive getting to the awards with part of me whispering: no read meat, no alcohol, no fun. I got to the venue at the Montcalm London and met with the rest of the team at Trend. Three glasses of water later, I was ready for a glass of champagne pre-lunch. Really good to network and catch up with people.

Lunch was poached salmon for starters and vegetables in some kind of pastry for mains (vegetarian option), followed by berries (yes!) and some sugary dessert. I had a couple of glasses of red wine. I miss the taste and the slight warm, fuzzy feeling that comes with that. With that, I had two gremlins, one on each shoulder going: have more! while the other went: surely not, come on! Anyway, I enjoyed the afternoon and we did win one of the two awards we were shortlisted for. Great! Thank you! Following all the award entries written and submitted and not won over the past few months, this is a very good end to the year in a product category that is very important to us.

After the ceremony, the drinking continued of course. I’m never the first person to go home but noticed that a few people were heading and I took the opportunity to leave as well. This in itself triggered a bunch of emotions. I suddenly starting feeling really upset that I wasn’t able to just enjoy and carry on. Why not? A part of me so desperately needs to let loose, get drunk, talk crap, dance, and just let go. And another part keeps telling me off: a bit like parents would, teachers do.. don’t! You can’t, shouldn’t, can’t, don’t, you’re not allowed to. And a third part – the ‘knowing part’ says: keep a clear head, Funda. If you don’t, you’ll sink. Thank you third option, maybe I need to let myself sink for a short while. I confided in a couple of more colleagues this evening – just because it felt right. It feels strange too, because a part of me feels like I shouldn’t ‘burden people ‘with it. But I’m really bad a pretending and live for connections. So when asked what’s really going on, I can’t and don’t want to lie.

So for the first time in a long time I got home, slightly red wine fuelled and emotional. Finally crying, finally tears that have been bottling up all this time I suppose. Tears of why, why me, why now, why not everyone else, what have I done, tears of desperation, of frustration of dismissing of denial of ‘don’t want’ of I need to get on top of this.

I remember being at high school and teachers telling me to stop laughing with Dr. von Rundstedt and  others, triggering nothing but more laughter of course and spending endless minutes stuck outside the classroom, banned from lessons. I carried on laughing so loudly outside the classroom that I was sent further afield. A part of me is re-living this at the moment. While it’s been easy enough to follow certain nutritional advice and cut out certain things, a part of me – maybe the rebel- just wants to break all these rules. I want to indulge in sweets (thought I’ve never been a fan), crisps, alcohol, cigarettes, cheese (!) and everything else that is now on the ‘no-list’. Only now it’s more serious than laughing loudly outside the classroom.

So while I had a great time this afternoon, there’s a part of me that is present in the room, enjoying and carrying on as per previous years and another part is stuck somewhere else concerned with a new reality. So is this a new reality or am I following a reality that has been prescribed by a bunch of diagnoses and test results? Hard to differentiate right now. I know what I would prefer.

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