Stuck in reverse

“When you try your best, but you don’t succeed…. When you get what you want, but not what you need… When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep…. Stuck in reverse…And the tears come streaming down your face… When you lose something you can’t replace”

Great tune by Coldplay, especially the live version – and very apt for how I felt today.

Up to this morning I’d been feeling well – maybe a little tired but definitely not as nauseous as last time. I spent the weekend in lovely company, felt very looked after and  relaxed. I had a few tiny waves of drowsiness on saturday but made sure I stayed indoors and didn’t move much which helped. I then cut out any anti-sickness tablets yesterday (day 3) and had a good appetite. For some reason I’d been craving thai food, specifically to Tom Kha Gai chicken coconut noodle soup – as well as pizza. The strange food cravings were already familiar from last time and so was the odd, dry taste in my mouth which no water in the world can solve.

Went to sleep last night with the storm battering around the building and woke up completely disillusioned. I don’t think I’ve experienced this before. It was a mixture of being really fed up with everything and everyone (for no specific reason), feeling low energy with absolutely no interest in anything. Being grateful for no physical side effects  but fed up not feeling myself, of having drugs inside of me that work at whatever points that I’m not even aware of, tired of finding hairs on the floor, tired of the work that goes into keeping upbeat, tired of the pain on the side of my left arm (which I’m sure is caused by the chemo) etc.

I had originally planned to head to Paddington and be sociable in the office but just couldn’t get myself to go. So instead I started work with a million of things to do, silently swearing at this and that, like someone with Tourette’s. And it just wouldn’t shift. I’ve read from others that the drugs may cause hormonal imbalance and maybe this was one of those days. Everything and everyone was irritating and nothing seemed fair of course. Just as well I stayed at home.

At some point in the afternoon, I headed to the gym to try and shift my mood. Exercise is always a great companion for these things and 5km later, I finally felt empty. At least empty and not full of frustration and with a slight sense of pride for completing the run in 33.5mins. Craving thai food again – might have to make some stir fry, watch a movie and have an early night. I guess it was just one of those days.. I blame the drugs! Here’s to a brighter day tomorrow with a glass at least half full again please!

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