Released

Feels like I’ve been released… if only temporarily. My oncologist waved good bye last month and asked me to come back towards the end of July. Meanwhile, my breast surgeon who removed the stitches earlier today wished me a great summer and wants to see me in three months time. It’s a strange sense of freedom.

Now to release myself from some of the thoughts and anxieties that seem to keep me in prison some days. Someone asked me recently how my life would be different today if things hadn’t happened? The answer is that life isn’t that much different but the perceptions have changed. And my mind is pre-occupied with concerns that things might go wrong again. It’s a regular emotional roller coaster of ups and downs and I need to work at noticing the anxieties but not letting them overcome me whilst at the same time not pushing them away. It seems like an art that I haven’t yet mastered. I was speaking with my therapist about this ‘prison’ earlier. This prison I have created only serves certain types of foods and drinks, only allows a little bit of fun but not too much and the only one holding the keys to the prison door is me. I need to start being nicer to myself, more comforting and more compassionate. I think I also need to grieve properly in order to accept and let go. This is something I have found really hard to do.

It’s day 4 of Tamoxifen and so far so good. I guess with most medicines, these things are cumulative but I’m glad that I haven’t had any reactions to it so far. My hot flushes seem to have calmed down. I still wake up during the night feeling warm but it doesn’t feel like sweating anymore. I hope this improves even further in time.

I finally got round to requesting a blood test with my GP to see iron, Magnesium and other levels in my blood – something that probably should have been done a while ago and I’ll get the results next week. Whilst I’m still taking the Vitamin D3, curcumin and multi-vitamin tablets, I was curious to have a consultation with a nutritionist to help create the right mix of supplements/ diet. In my searches, I came across Jo Gamble who although not in London, does skype consultations and is a nutritional therapist, practising integrative and integrative medicine with a focus on cancer. I had my first consultation with her yesterday and a lot of what she was explaining about her approach made sense to me. More sense than some other approaches I had researched and tried in the past.

She explained that she doesn’t believe in blanket-supplements, e.g. there’s no point taking A/B/C supplement without knowing what is actually missing in the body. So to start with, she has recommended two types of urine tests. One will help us understand the estrogen regulation and 2/4/16 hydroxyestrone ratios (had to read up on this but essentially the different types of estrogen levels and methylation) – important to understand in relation to hormone receptors of cells. The second is a functional assessment of various vitamins, minerals, amino acids and information on cellular energy production, toxicity, etc which will also show how much of the vitamins and minerals my body actually absorbs. I think the latter is so important. It’s all very well eating tons of vegetables and good foods, but it’ll be key to find out how much of the stuff I’m actually absorbing. This, together with the results of the blood test should hopefully paint a good picture of where I’m at and what I need to be doing to stay well.

I went back to see Danira for some reiki yesterday and had the strangest experience. As usual, I was lying down with my eyes closed, relaxed. At some point, I saw the whole thing from above, like a third person observing, looking down and I knew it was her treating me and me lying down in front of her. The image stayed for a few seconds, then disappeared but it was very vivid and the angle was very real from the top right hand corner of the room. Never had that before… It was a great session and I left feeling deeply relaxed with a calm mind and light heart.

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