Joy

If you had told me a year ago that there would come a time after diagnosis and treatments when every other thought wouldn’t evolve around mortality, cancer, being ill and if you had said that this would be towards the end of 2016, I never would have believed you. 

I’m more and more aware that whilst often in the back of my mind, I’ve started to really find joy in things again. The fear may still be there, but doesn’t always have to dominate. Maybe it is also this fear that keeps me on guard, keeps me living more mindfully when it comes to choices, nutrition and lifestyle.I just finished reading ‘When breath becomes air’ by Paul Kalanithi. A heartbreaking, emotional and interesting read. Many parts of it struck deep chords.

Since the diagnosis, I find myself in a twilight between wondering about life, meaning, time, death, love and between being sucked into daily london life. I feel good physically and mentally too. 

Yet, the time coming up to Christmas so starkly reminds me of the turmoil I went through only 12 months ago- tormenting whether to have chemo or not. Whether to take that tiny bit of percentage to prevent recurrence against a backdrop of poison being injected into my body. Sometimes I think back and can’t believe that I actually went through everything.

As I ski down beautiful, soft snow and look up the majestic alps in Courmayeur, breathing in the freshest mountain air, I feel alive and grateful. 

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